Let me take you to the Victorian musical hall, gentle reader. Let us look upon the work of W.S Gilbert, of Gilbert and Sullivan fame. I’ve been trying to show how stage magic might work in Magonomia for some time, and so here is a look at how it was satirized in a later period.
The two characters we initially meet are Aline and Alexius. They have just been married. Alexius believes the best thing he can do for his village is to ensure that everyone, regardless of their station is in love. He procures a philtre from a sorcerer, and puts in it a pot of tea during a country fete. Aline thinks this is a monstrous idea, but he succeeds. Everyone has tea, and everyone falls in love, provided they are not already married. This is presumably because of the True Love Virtue or magic resistance granted by the sacrament.
Note the demons here are essentially slaves. This is not how sorcery works in Magonomia, because we didn’t want slave ownership to be a foundational characters experience.
Thanks to Librivox, and all the participants. This is a parlour reading, rather than a musical, because the music has a separate and sometimes obscure copypright.
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AIL Oh, Alexis, those are noble principles
Alex. Yes, Aline, and I am going to take a desperate step in support of them. Have you ever heard of the firm of J. W.Wells and Co., the old-established family sorcerers, in St. Mary Axe?
AIL I have seen their advertisement.
Alex. They have invented a philtre, which, if report may be believed, is simply infallible. I intend to distribute it through the village, and within half an hour of my doing so, there will not be an adult in the place who will not have learnt the secret of pure and lasting happiness. What do you say to that?
AIL Well, dear, of course a filter is a very useful thing in a house ; quite indispensable in the present state of Thames water ; but still I don’t quite see that it is the sort of thing that places its possessor on the very pinnacle of earthly joy. Alex. Aline, you misunderstand me. I didn’t say a filter— said philtre.
Ali. So did I, dear. I said a filter.
Alex. No, dear, you said a filter. I don’t mean a filter—I mean a philtre,—ph, you know.
AIL (alarmed). You don’t mean a love-potion ?
Alex. On the contrary—I do mean a love-potion.
AIL Oh, Alexis, I don’t think it would be right. I don’t indeed. And then—a real magician ! Oh, it would be downright wicked.
Alex, Aline, is it, or is it not, a laudable object to steep thewhole village up to its lips in love, and to couple them in matri-mony, without distinction of age, rank, or fortune ?
AIL Unquestionably, but
Alex, Then, unpleasant as it must be to have recourse tosupernatural aid, I must nevertheless pocket my aversion, indeference to the great and good end I have in view. {Calling. )Hercules Enter a Page from tent.
Page, Yes, sir.
Alex, Is Mr. Wells there ?
Page, He’s in the tent, sir—refreshing.
Alex. Ask him to be so good as to step this way.
Page. Yes, sir. [Exit Page.
AIL Oh, but, Alexis! A real sorcerer! Oh, I shall befrightened to death
Alex, I trust my Aline will not yield to fear while the strong, right arm of her Alexis is here to protect her.
AIL It’s nonsense, dear, to talk of your protecting me with your strong right arm, in face of the fact that this Family Sorcerer could change me into a guinea-pig before you could turn round.
Alex, He could change you into a guinea-pig, no doubt, but it is most unlikely that he would take such liberty. It’s a most respectable firm, and I am sure he would never be guilty of so untradesmanlike an act.
Enter Mr. Wellsfrom
Mr, W, Good day, sir.
[Aline much terrified.]
Alex. Good day. I believe you are a sorcerer.
Mr, W, Yes, sir, we practise necromancy in all its branches.We’ve a choice assortment of wishing-caps, divining-rods, amulets, charms, and counter-charms. We can cast you a nativity at a low figure, and we have a horoscope at three and six that we can guarantee. Our Abudah chests, each containing a patent hag who comes out and prophesies disasters, with spring complete, are strongly recommended. Our Aladdin lamps are very chaste, and our prophetic tablets, foretelling everything—from a change of ministry down to a rise in Turkish stock—are much inquired for. Our penny curse—one of the cheapest things in the trade—is considered infallible. We have some very superior blessings, too, but they’re very little asked for. “We’ve only sold one since Christmas—to a gentleman who bought it to send to his mother-in-law—but it turned out that he was afflicted in the head, and it’s been returned on our hands. But our sale of penny curses, especially on Saturday nights, is tremendous. We can’t turn ’em out fast enough.
Song.—Mr. Wells.
Oh ! my name is John Wellington Wells.
I’m a dealer in magic and spells,
In blessings and curses, And ever-filled purses,
In prophecies, witches, and knells.
If you want a proud foe to ” make tracks”—
If you’d melt a rich uncle in wax
You’ve but to look in
On our resident Djinn,
Number seventy, Simmery Axe.
We’ve a first-class assortment of magic
And for raising a posthumous shade
With effects that are comic or tragic,
There’s no cheaper house in the trade.
Love-philtre—we’ve quantities of it
And for knowledge if any one burns,
We keep an extremely small prophet
Who brings us unbounded returns
Oh ! he can prophesy
With a wink of his eye,
Peep with security Into futurity,
Sum up your history,
Clear up a mystery,
Humour proclivity
For a nativity—for a nativity
Mirrors so magical,
Tetrapods tragical,
Bogies spectacular,
Answers oracular,
Facts astronomical,
Solemn or comical,
And, if you want it, he
Makes a reduction on
taking a quantity \ Oh!
If any one anything lacks,
He’ll find it all ready in stacks
If he’ll only look in
On the resident Djinn,
Number seventy,
Simmery Axe
He can raise you hosts Of ghosts,
And that without reflectors ;
And creepy things With wings,
And gaunt and grisly spectres.
He can fill you crowds Of shrouds,
And horrify you vastly ;
He can rack your brains With chains,
And gibberings grim and ghastly
Then, if you plan it, he Changes organity,
With an urbanity
Full of Satanity,
Vexes humanity
With an inanity
Fatal to vanity
Driving your foes to the verge of insanity!
Barring tautology, In demonology,
‘Lectro-biology, Mystic nosology,
Spirit philology, High-class astrology,
Such is his knowledge, he
Isn’t the man to require an apology
Oh! My name is John Wellington Wells.
I’m a dealer in magic and spells,
In blessings and curses,
And ever-filled purses,
In prophecies, witches, and knells.
If any one anything lacks,
He’ll find it all ready in stacks,
If he’ll only look in
On the resident Djinn,
Number seventy,
Simmery Axe
Alex. I have sent for you to consult you on a very important matter. I believe you advertise a Patent Oxy-Hydrogen Love at-first-sight Philtre?
Mr. W. Sir, it is our leading article.
Alex, Now, I want to know if you can confidently guarantee it as possessing all the qualities you claim for it in your advertisement ?
Mr. W. Sir, we are not in the habit of puffing our goods. Ours is an old-established house with a large family connection, and every assurance held out in the advertisement is fully
realized. {Hurt.)
Ali. (aside). Oh, Alexis, don’t offend him ! He’ll change us into something dreadful—I know he will
Alex. I am anxious from purely philanthropical motives to distribute this philtre, secretly, among the inhabitants of this village. I shall of course require a quantity. How do you sell it ?
Mr. W. In buying a quantity, sir, we should strongly advise your taking it in the wood, and drawing it off as you happen to want it. We have it in four and a half and nine gallon casks—
also in pipes and hogsheads for laying down, and we deduct 10 per cent, for prompt cash.
Ali Oh, Alexis, surely you don’t want to lay any down!
Alex. Aline, the villagers will assemble to carouse in a few minutes. Go and fetch the teapot.
Ali. But, Alexis
Alex. My dear, you must obey me, if you please. Go and fetch the teapot.
Ali. (going). I’m sure Dr. Daly would disapprove it. [Exit Aline]
Alex. And how soon does it take effect ?
Mr. W. In half an hour. Whoever drinks of it falls in love, as a matter of course, with the first lady he meets who has also tasted it, and his affection is at once returned. One trial will prove the fact.
Games From Folktales 